The 120 year old man
July 22, 2019
(An imagined conversation between Chak and Don — Apologies for this blatant fake news)
The year is 2069. The location is a deluxe apartment in a luxury senior care facility somewhere outside Kuala Lumpur overlooking the verdant Royal Geriatrics Golf Club. A fit-looking 120 year old is reading the latest edition of The Sun iPaper while sprawled on his Giorgio Armani classic collection chaise lounge. The cellphone on the side table next to him rings and vibrates. He reaches over and answers the phone.
“Hello?”
“Hey Chak, how are you doing?”
“Donut, ah? Wah, long time no see.”
“Yes, it’s me. Sorry, I haven’t called earlier”
“What, too busy saving the world?”
“Yeah, lah, you know me.”
“But not much success, right?”
“Sadly not.”
“I told you 50 years ago, nobody wants to eat that vegan crap but you wouldn’t listen.”
“OK, OK, don’t rub it in — Now I remember why I haven’t called you that often.”
“Ha, ha, don’t be so sensitive, lah. Anyway, I can’t talk for too long. I have two sweet young things coming in 5 minutes to give me a massage, and then I have a round of golf. What’s on your mind?”
“You are still playing golf?”
“Of course. Yesterday, I shot a 69.”
“Wah, I am impressed. That is a damn good round of golf.”
“Not round, lah. Just first 9 holes. So, what did you call me about?”
“I was thinking it might be a good idea to have a gala 120th birthday gathering like in the old days. Remember, we had our 70th birthday bash way back in 2019?”
“Hard to get people together these days as they are too busy.”
“What do you mean”too busy”? Aren’t they all old fart retirees with lots of free time on their hands?”
“Are you getting senile? Remember, I wrote down that secret list of supplements and exercises for everyone at the 70th birthday gathering?”
“I don’t remember that. You mean they all followed your medical advice?”
“Of course. How come you are still alive at 120 if you didn’t follow my advice?”
“I thought it was my vegan diet — you mean everyone is still alive at 120? I thought maybe just a few of us would still be around at this time.”
“Bull shit, you didn’t follow my advice.”
“Seriously, I thought it was just your fake news.”
“You haven’t changed. It is just your bloody confirmation bias.”
“So, all the guys are alive?”
“Yeah, what do you think?”
“Is Kwen Fee still around? I thought he would have died of plastic poisoning from that black plastic bag he used to abuse every chance he had.”
“Kwen Fee? He became a guru and started a sex cult. He lives in Brunei with a bunch of Kadazan female followers outside Bandar Seri Begawan.”
“What? And Kim Leong? I thought all that bike riding would have done him in by now for sure.”
“Ha, ha, that bugger is riding in the Public Bank team for the Tour de France next year.”
“Are you really serious?”
“Not fake news, I tell you. My advice is like 100% effective in promoting and extending longevity!”
“Did Seng Fook follow your advice too?”
“Who do you think is the resident conductor of the Malaysian Philharmonic Orchestra?”
“Oh my god, all that music listening finally paid off for him.”
“You heard about Wendy and Wai Kuen, right?”
“No.”
“Where have you been? You don’t know shit.”
“New York. As I said I was kind of busy.”
“Yeah, right. How could I forget — you were trying to save the world.”
“No need to be sardonic, Chak.”
“Bloody hell, after all these years, there you go again with your big words.”
“Sorry — so what about Wendy and Wai Kuen? What happened to them?”
“They both moved to Paris and now paint everyday at the Place du Tertre in Montmarte.”
“Holy pastels!”
“No, they just use acrylics and oils. Ha, ha.”
“Sounds too good to be true and I get the strong feeling that you are simply bull-shitting me — I suppose Genga moved to Bollywood, Mel runs the biggest soup kitchen in Asia, and Anthony owns a winery in Cameron Highlands?”
“I thought you didn’t know anything.”
“What?”
“About Genga, Mel and Anthony.”
“You mean it’s all true?”
“This is getting very tiresome. First, you know nothing, now you know the latest gossip?”
“But, I was only making stuff up about them.”
“You are starting to piss me off. I’ve got to go…”
“Wait, Chak, don’t hang up. If everyone is still around and kicking why don’t we contact them and see if they will come for lunch or dinner on December 7?”
“Like before?”
“Why not?”
“Great, but I’ve really got to go.”
“Wait, wait, wait — just one more thing, Chak.”
“What?”
“Will you come to my warm up lunch on December 3?”
“Of course…”